#And im brushed off or they say they get it... And then dont ... Do it...
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jj said you spooked him sometimes. not ever on purpose, but you were so quiet. moving around the house swiftly on the tips of your toes to the point he never heard you coming.
“keep spookin the shit outta me and im gettin you a bell.” he laughed when he said it, pinching your cheek with a goofy grin before we turned back to the table he was setting up. so you didn’t think twice about it, not when he jumped out of his skin when you brushed past him in the kitchen or when he let out a yelp when you appeared in his vision as he worked on your car.
but you could sense his growing frustrating—his laughs turned to scoffs and his smile was tight when you gave a half hearted apology. it wasn’t your fault, you’d always been quiet.
you guess the last straw was the other night. jj woke up at 2am to you not in bed, so he searched for you, you weren’t in the bathroom and you weren’t in the kitchen, chugging a jug of strawberry milk. his heart raced, you had to be there somewhere and it wasn’t like you to disappear like this. by the time he checked outside to still not get a glimpse of you he was panicking and breathing so hard his vision tunneled.
only for him to let out a loud “fuck!” when he got back to your room and there you were, buried under the pillow, asleep again. the next morning you told him you walked right behind him, standing in the doorway and you figured he just needed fresh air.
it took him an hour to settle his heartrate enough to sleep. and in that hour he made a decision.
jj had to get it right, so he snatched one of your necklaces off the counter, tucking it in his pocket as he made his way to the general pet store, nose crinkling at the familiar pet smell. it didn’t take him long, finding a collar with a little bell on it, small enough to sit in the base of your throat, the actual collar was just big enough to be comfortable.
when he took it to the cashier, she made a comment, “didn’t know you got a cat jj. i always took you for a dog guy.”
jj shrugged, “little bitch snuck up on me what can i say.” and with a pop of his gum the conversation was over. he ignored how uncomfortable she looked after that.
getting you in it was another story—he looked too smug, hovering over where you sat on the couch reading.
“got you something.”
you eyed him warily, “got me what…”
he produced the offending item from his pocket, and your stomach churned as hill smile got wider.
“so you stop creepin around the house like some…creep.”
“no…no i dont wanna wear it.” you shook your head fast, your body tensing up to bolt, “jj you’re a dick this ain’t funny.”
“who’s laughin?”
you make it about 3 strides before he catches you, knocking you to the ground and locking your hands to your sides with his knees as you both struggle.
“c’mon, stop fightin you know i’ma win, just relax and let me. put it. on!”
you were wild—biting and scratching in an attempt to push him away, but he’s gotten stronger and he’s gotten meaner so all it takes is a palm against your face, pressing you hard into the floor for him to get it on you.
“fuck! bit the fuck outta me damn, i’m just tryna make shit easy on both of us.” jj bends the plastic of the fastener, knowing the second he gives you an inch you’ll rush to take it off.
and you do, tears of anger and frustration sliding down your face as you beg him to let you go, “just take it off please, i wasn’t trying to worry you i promise but i can’t walk around like this.”
jj’s flushed red, his face damp and sweaty with welts rising on his cheek and arm from where you scratched him, “tough titty kid, it’s for your own good.”
in a split second you go from begging to anger, cursing and swinging on him again.
“you’re a fucking piece of shit. fucking scumbag i’m not a goddamn animal i should kick your fuckin ass.”
rolling his eyes he gets up and shrugs, “you can try. at least this time i’ll hear you.”
after that you become real ornery, dodging kisses and sticking pillows between you while you slept to keep him away. jj could hear you all the time now—a soft jingle punctuated by a growl of frustration or a series of manic curses. and he looked pleased. of course he did. because he found a way to get over on you. and the scissors couldn’t cut through the thick fabric of the collar and when he caught you with the knife to your neck trying to saw it off he basically attached his carabiner to your belt loops to keep you close.
you were officially collared and leashed.
and jj could only stand the fighting so long.
“i know you’re mad at me, but you can’t stay mad.” jj muttered in between kisses to your face, his calloused hand cradling the other one to keep you close—this was as close as you’ve let him get in days, and it was only because he caught you after a shower all soft and languid. he knew he was playing a dangerous game letting his thumb rub against your bottom lip.
“fuckin watch me—stop!” he bit you. hard. right on the soft apple of your cheek before soothing it with a gentle suck.
“nope, no ya can’t. you don’t get to.” the kisses get lower, trailing down your neck as he slips his thumb in your mouth, “you’re all mine pussycat, i can do what i want.” he punctuates that with another bite, right to your clavicle and he continues to litter you in bites and harsh sucking kisses until your covered in bruises.
that makes you bristle, "no i'm not."
"no?"
"fuck you, i'm not."
gripping your thighs he pulls you closer, and he smirks when he spreads you open. even in the low light he can see the dewy pout of your cunt.
"right."
you barely even fight when he pushes in, all rough and claiming like he has something to prove. maybe he does. because your squeezed tight around him in a way that makes him feel crazy, like you don't wanna let him go. because he's just as much yours as you are his. because you're just as desperate as he is. you missed him. kissing him with sharp teeth and clawing him closer until your pressed so tight you can't tell you you end and he begins.
the room quickly becomes a cacophony of sex-- filled with the wet squelch of your pussy and strangled moans from the back of jj's throat. even when he presses against your stomach to make you whine, even as he grunts into your neck with his teeth bared and his tongue laving over your throbbing pulse point.
nothing's louder than the little bell jingling at the hollow of your throat.
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happy birthday to me.
no i am not back from my hiatus but its my birthday and the only way i can really celebrate is with my bb (no taglist this is just very self indulgent)
You can feel the dusting of lips ghosting over your face as you slowly gain consciousness. When your eyes flutter open those warm familiar ones youve loved since you first saw greet you back, crescenting as he smiles. “happy birthday my love.” you hum in return mumbling a thank you while your arms reach around his neck as he presses another kiss against your cheek. he snuggles into your neck while you adjust your eyes to the light in the room. “what time is it?” its much later than you thought it would be, he clearly let you sleep as he looks wide awake hes probably been up for a good bit before you woke up or more so he woke you up. “why didn’t you wake me?” “you looked so cute how could i wake you.” a light knock to the back of his head and you can feel his smile pressing into your skin.
He pulls away far too soon for your liking and gets up off the bed attempting to tug you up, “come on we have things to do, its your big day.” you put a pretend pout on your face and hold put your arms, “carry me?” you were joking, more than ready to stand up yourself but he quickly scooped you up into his arms and wouldn’t put you down as he made his way to the bathroom despite your squeals, “put me down!” he only obliges as the two of you enter the bathroom and he places you down on the counter. you find yourself asking him what hes got planned today while he grabs your toothbrush to wet it for you, a proud smile grows on his face as he shakes his head. “i couldn’t ruin the surprise, i have the whole day planned out dont worry you’ll love it.”
“what if i dont wanna do anything today?” he clearly falters, not expecting you to say that but he covers his disappointment with a smile as he hands your your toothbrush, “as long as your happy babe i dont mind.” you slap his shoulder, your body vibrating with laughter, “im kidding baby im looking forward to whatever you have planned.” he scoffs as you happy brush your teeth hopping off the counter to look at him through the mirror. “yeah yeah yeah ill see you downstairs.”
you quickly turn to stop him, and manage to gargle out and i love you and he smiles shaking his head leaning forward to kiss your forehead before he heads downstairs. “love you too baby.”
#jacaerys velaryon x reader#jacaerys velaryon#jacaerys velaryon fanfic#jacaerys velaryon x you#jacaerys x reader#jacaerys x you#jacaerys strong#jacaerys strong x reader#jacaerys targaryen x reader#jacaerys velaryon x reader fanfic#hotd fanfic#hotd imagine#jacaerys velaryon fluff#jacaerys fic#jacaerys imagine#house of the dragon#house of the dragon fanfic#house of the dragon fanfiction#jace velaryon x reader#jace velaryon x you#jace x reader#jacaerys velaryon x fem reader#jacaerys velaryon x fem!reader#hotd x reader#hotd x you#requests#jacaerys request#jacaerys requests#jacaerys velaryon request
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not just anybody - n.k
pairing: nakamura kazuha x fem!reader w/c: 941
synopsis: kazuha likes you, no, she loves you. but how can she tell you? and why was she acting like this. told from 2nd person pov
a/n: reader n kazuha r in college, lowercase intended, little angsty
kazuha loved you, obviously, who doesn’t love their friends?
today was like a normal day, you had came back from classes, back to you and kazuha’s dorm. per usual she had a friend over helping her study. she wasn’t the very best at understanding lectures. so there she was sitting with a girl, a dim light shadowed them as they went over some type of review.
“hey zuha.” you said, as you placed your bag down, slipping off your jacket and hanging it by the door. she looked up, wordless, then responding
“hey y/n, um— this isa.” she said, then looking away, the dark haired girl, isa, waved to you and they went back to whatever they were doing. you brushed off the dry response and went to your bedroom. she was studying, she had no time to make conversation. making your way to the bedroom you had dropped your bookbag and purse. your back against the your mattress. why had kazuha been acting so weird?
after taking a shower, changing into your pajamas and, finding a show to watch on your ipad, you watched the door to see if kazuha would ever come. she never did for all the minutes you watched. stopping the wait, you laid fully down and propped your ipad by your face as you fell asleep. and kazuha never came.
kazuha slipped into the shared bedroom, careful not to make any noise as the door creaks. her face scrunched at the sound, hoping it wouldn’t wake you up. she shut it behind her and looked at you sleeping figure. she took your ipad and placed it on your dressers, plugging in a charged and shutting off your lamp. she sighed before slipping under her on covers, mind wondering off into a bliss of sleep
“i dont know what to do! i barely see her anymore jen.. it’s like we’re not even friends anymore.”
“have you talked to her about it?”
“i dont see her enough to talk about!” you put your hands over your face in despair. she frowned at the thought of sounding insane because she was giving you attention, and maybe something was going on. but you’re her friend, you want to be there for her no matter what!
“look just talk to her, text her and tell her you wanna talk. you are never gonna get anywhere sulking about this on my bed, eating my food.” jennifer snarked at you. and as much as you hated to say it she was right, things would only go down hill if you didn’t know what was wrong with kazuha.
you opened your phone and hovered over her contact.
zuha
zuha can u come to the dorm
i js wanna talk pls
ok, On my way!
omw*
after texting kazuha, you bid jennifer goodbye and went back to the dorm. as you unlocked the door and rested your head against the front door thinking about what to say. why was she acting this way, what did you do? you breathed out and sat on the couch. collecting your thoughts, and how to approach the prompt of why she had been ignoring you.
kazuha felt her heart beating out her chest. what could you possibly want to talk about. she stood outside of the front door, taking a deep breath. then taking her keys and unlocking the door, shutting it behind her as she walked in. the tension was thick. she pursed her lips as she spotted your figure on the couch. she muttered a small hello before sitting on the opposing side.
all the words had faltered at the sight of her. you saw the way she played with her fingers, avoided eye contact, and her bottom lip never left her mouth. you took a deep breath out before starting.
“look— kazuha, i dont know what’s wrong. you’ve been avoiding me for days on end, i never see you when i get back to the dorm or even in the mornings. im just not sure if i’ve done something and-”
“you didn’t do anything.” her voice barely above speaking volume but loud enough to stop your words.
“huh?”
“you didn’t do anything wrong.” she spoke a little louder, bringing her eyes to meet yours.
“so why haven’t you talked to me? why have you been avoiding me?” you shot back, you just wanted a real reason. you watched as she swallowed, like she took something down she would’ve regretted to bring out.
“i like you— no i love you y/n. and i avoided you because i hoped maybe, maybe being away from you would make my feelings for you would go away, that maybe i wouldn’t feel the same if i started to ignore, stop talking to you, and just stopped seeing you. but every time you never left my mind. all the times i stayed out late to avoid seeing you, all i could think about was you. how much i missed you. i know it sounds like such a asshole move but i just didn’t want to do anything i regret, but i did.”
your eyes felt like they could feel a river with the tears that came over you. a thousands words could never describe what you were feeling in the moment. you stared into her eyes, hazed with confession, confusion, conflict, and cherish.
“i love you too, zuha.” you hugged her tightly, her arms were clueless on where to go. eventually they landed on your waist. you would’ve never let go if it was up to you. as you moved yourself back you stared into her eyes. you definitely loved her too.
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Fernando instinctively trying to protect his boyfriend Seb from the champagne spray
+
#im suddenly very brainrotted abt them again....#i mean rbh when am i not! just suddenly posting again#this has been in my gallery for a while but finally posted it#only HE can spray champagne on his rival okay 🙄🙄🙄#possessive much??#me when i read into things too much 🙉#I DONT CARE!! ITS SO CUTE TO ME#its not even like him preemptively trying to avoid getting sprayed#like no its very much him trying to help seb block the spray imo#i feel like you can almost see him say 'stop' but maybe thats a bit too delusional shfjkg#i wish i could post a vettonso clip every day 😔#grrrrrrrrr i wonder if their fingers brushed in the last pic.......#theres smth so cute to me abt fernando up on the podium#kinda waiting to pour it on seb#and then seb going up there to dutifully receive his champagne shower#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#we do a little bit of f1#2013 canadian gp#i meant to gif a race tonight and i didn't so posting this instead!#* i just realized you can see seb reach for his hat and then abort when lewis sprays him#i bet he was gonna take it off and let fernando pour it on his hair and then prob shake like a dog like he usually does....#i feel like ive been edged now 😔😔😔😔
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i think human nature/family of blood is a really good two parter in how it manages to show how full of shit ten is 🫶
#look . i LOVE ten . esp whatevers going on w him in s3 he's horrible and i like that#but just !! martha :(#its so incredibly unfair to martha he doesnt unleash his wrath on the Family he chooses to hide instead and okay yeah fair#and sure u can say the tardis chose the setting and time period for them to hide in but like#did that not filter in to his calculations he went through all that turned himself human put his friendship with martha to the test in#the worst way possible. knowing she wouldn't let herself leave him even if he was Abhorrent towards her (and he was) because#of her duty to the universe and beyond and whatever . to blend in and keep the Family off their tails#and she's put in a demeaning position and degraded and even he doesn't seem to care much for her but she still hangs on#and then in the end its like its all for naught. all that pain and suffering martha went through being the only one w her wits about her#he had the capacity to deal w the threat the whole time he had the ability to dole out a horrible punishment he could definitely#have dealt with them a different way than that too .#and instead in his quest to be the bigger person he ends up putting martha through the horrors and then#does the same with the Family anyway ! i dont think he can ever tell her how harshly he dealt with them#surely this isnt an original thought im just thinking Way too much about blue moon by niki#he Does care more about being good than being good to her specifically !! and its so upsetting theyre so volatile i miss them#its more complicated than that sure but at the same time. it sort of isnt .#anyway martha jones my love my life u deserved at least a billion apologies alongside the thanks like god . whats wrong w him#oh and also he wants to move on without properly talking about it . act as if it never happened#like girl be fucking considerate for ONCE she just went through a personal hell for you !!! how insanely lonely she must of been#i dont believe martha ever let him just brush past it w no acknowledgement like yes i think she definitely didnt want to discuss the#accidental confession but i Do think she would sit him down to finally get him to Accept he cant just take her wherever in the past#if he's not ready to look out for her . its a vital conversation i think they need to have otherwise martha would just walk out there#not even love could make her stay through that its been established already she has the strength to try walk away#and also to try and but through his bullshit and demand answers . and here more than ever she deserves his acknowledgement and he Knows it
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anybody got any advice for finding a new doctor. again
#im doing Very Not Well i think. but i also dont think i trust my pcp anymore after the iron deficiency thing#cuz if this gets brushed off like that did i will turn into a clam. like. it will be Very Very Bad for my Wellbeing.#also any advice on if i have to also do the work on finding a psychiatrist or what#i hate being dumb and 23 and navigating this on my own. idk what im doing i just want to stop feeling empty all the time#why cant i just call someone and say that and have them walk me thru exactly who i need to talk to and what i need to say
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i know my family doesnt mean any harm but i wish the tendency to make fun of someone was less. like is it a joke really....
#i bought new glasses which is different than what i am used to wearing especially lately#but i knew my family would say something about it#and i just brush it off laughing like yea its a bit nerdy#but they keep doing it... like everyone has a say#and i know the problem is each of them only say it once#but it feels like a lot and repeated to me cuz i had to hear it from EVERYONE#this is why i get so conscious about it even when im around other people and im wearing new things and im like#please please pleaseee dont mention anything please just let it go#and i would be so relieved when oh okay they didnt mention it#but before that i would be preparing my mental to receive the comments...#i havent even seen all my siblings since#which means the comments are still coming.......... :(
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trailer talk
#compendiumnotebook#i probably articulated a lot of my trailer thoughts better to my mutuals and friends i was dming the other day#but the tldr of it is that im kind of disappointed they only seem to be adapting mostly movie and portable stuff#not that i hate hate portable or hate hate the movies#but saying that this is going to be a faithful remake of base 3 and having only portable events and options available + adding movie stuff#feels like a big slap in the face to fes and manga enjoyers. and dont get me started on the hammy lovers.#and also is just straight up incorrect. wish they would say what they're adapting rather than saying its a faithful remake#damn im so sorry yall. especially because if they wanted to do a portable adaptation she should be here.#even if im not her number 1 fan i get how dirty it feels#but tbh i am leaning more towards femc as dlc rather than the answer as dlc now#bc atp it just seems like they take fes for granted and brush it off#bc its not as popular#just feels kind of mean a bit#“manga and fes are there. but portable and movies seem to be popular so we can do more of that!”#minato being able to work a job is something i dont like. he's constantly overworked in every other department of his life.#now hes gotta work too?#it seems like this hero is less chronically ill tired angry and like theyre trying to give him more energy and “wipe away his wrongs”.#iddkkkkkk#im sure I'll warm up to it in game#and find a way to work this into my reading#but for now those are my thoughts#oh! i like his mp3 player saying hi to him. thats precious.
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it's kind of sad getting back onto DeviantArt and seeing the flood of "AI Artists". When I used to frequent the site back in 2014? 2015? you'd see all levels of quality and experience on your feed, and you could tell that the majority of artists put time and effort and heart into everything they posted
Now, it's just muddled with ai. And don't get me wrong, the robots can churn out some cool stuff, but it's kinda frustrating, especially when you know some bot-wranglers don't tag it as AI, and you don't know what's a work of actual effort, and what's just an amalgamation of stolen art blended together by a prompt
#gahhhh i just cant with this#i dont want to sound gatekeepy and pissy but if you want to post great art and profit or gain a following you should learn and practice#not use a robot that steals pieces from established artists#i feel like it can have its place for visuals? like if you're trying to get inspiration or figure out how to describe a setting#and it can be -fun-#but its a problem when it's used as 'original work'#my first brush with this discourse was reading about the guy who won an art show with an AI piece and it made me so mad#'but-but i spent time carefully curating the prompts that make my robot servant do art' SHUT UP#what about the artists who spend YEARS learning their trade? to say less about the thought and planning and time in each individual piece#like im just a self-taught hobbyist but i can imagine those who get trained in fine art#and then get the rug yanked out by ai dudebros who claim their 'art' is just as valid#sorry for the rant this is one of the few things that actually pisses me off#tw rant#ai discourse
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This is what it feels like being a hex fan sometimes, like its not even a twitter issue (and in a sense its not necessarily an issue, sometimes ppl just wanna have fun n not spout theories n discussion 24/7! I get that!) but i feel like a lot of people r quick to write off aspects of the game and characters and insist that, despite it being a mullinsverse title, it's not that deep/things are surface level
#This goes for a lot of characters. you can already guess one of them since i defend his honor constantly here#but like. I've seen a lot of people brush off Irving as just 'the big bad' and insist theres nothing deeper to his character#than just being an abusive villain#he very much IS an abusive villain. Irving is not Irving if he isn't a metaphor for abuse in the video game industry#but that doesnt mean you can't. lets say. interpret his relationship with Lionel as something more than just 'ai assistant n his dev'#that doesnt mean you cant read inbetween the lines n point out *he cares about Lionel. and that a good chunk of his motivations r bc of him#Irving is rightfully hated but often times I get. nervous. that one of these days someone is gonna accuse me of being a sympathizer#or making him act 'ooc' or giving him grace when he doesnt deserve it#bc god forbid someone in a game where every character has layers. has layers#regardless: no discussion about Irving really leaves raw hatred or 'omg hes hot' anyways#Bryce is also a good example cause when he's not being a horrible yaoi fodder victim#Everyone just says 'Oh hes so nice! He's so kind! I feel bad for him!' and moves on#No one wants to pick apart that he's not a pure angelic soul who gets pushed around. that hes nuanced#and that there is very much commentary that ties to his black identity and the forced role of 'fighter'#To many Bryce's story is simple; got put in CAX and then he got out n granny died and it was REALLY bad#and then they dont care to analyze him further than that. i understand that the nature of the game leaves some characters underdeveloped#But there is still very much a lot to pick apart with every character in the game; sadly a lot of people don't care to do anything w/ it#feels like that en mass the fandom has this air of anti-discussion despite the source material. idk man idk#Im goin to bed early lol ive been tired ever since i got back from school#but yeah. my opinions
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I think I have avpd. I just relate a lot to the symptoms I've found and listening to people talk about it I resonate with too
#i saw some people say. despite having such an intense need for connection and belonging they just self sabotage and have a genuiene fear#i felt that so hard.#i know i have rocd but i never understood why it was so bad. why i always felt so alienated all the time#why i let myself just fall into the background. why i have such a naturally anxious demeanor and overthink comfortable silence.#i worry too much all the time about how im percieved and the fact that i dont fit in and i could never wrap my head around why#or why i push people away all the time for seemingly no reason. i even used to do it in highschool.#getting close to people. being vulnerable with them. its so so anxiety inducing for me.#i thought it was avoidant attachment but it feels like more than that. i dont know.#it would make sense ... im worried im faking it though. idk.#i want to ask my therapist what she thinks. i brought it up before but she kinda brushed it off as avoidant attachment#idk. ive been thinking about it a lot but i also dont want to fakeclaim.#diary
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Wonderful news, after a month of flossing almost every day, my gums are finally no longer bleeding every time I floss!! 😃
#speculation nation#which online says it should only take a week or two. but! i have gingivitis.#so a month is kinda expected BUT ALSO im genuinely happy that i do seem to be making progress#i hate flossing. but my dentist was like 'if you dont improve your dental habits you Will be losing teeth'#so like okayyyyyy ive been flossing most days and i got a tooth paste for shitty gums and ive been using a fluoride rinse#and the gum pockets aka how deep my gums go next to my teeth are still pretty deep#but stopping bleeding when i floss is the first sign of improvement. i will get healthier gums!!!#just need to keep the habit up. i swear i will show up to my next dentist appointment and get such a good grade#they'll congratulate me and tell me i did such a good job and then probably give me invisalign. and/or a tooth cap lol#both are things they mentioned at the last appointment. for things to do after i improved my gum health.#tooth cap for my tooth that is like a third just filling. bc i broke the tooth years back eating a sour patch kid lol#one of my molars. one of the four prong things just done broke off. prong is the wrong word but ya kno#anyways i have marvelously terrible dental health despite having been pretty good about brushing for a few years now#such is my lot in life. it's genetics. oh well it's getting better and that's what matters.
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#not feeling so great as of lately#i thought it was just that i was thinking about stuff at a too late of a time yesterday but now its morning and i still feel bad#sure i slept very badly so maybe its still that but idk it still doesnt feel great no matter what the reason is#i feel like. so annoying lately#and like yea maybe i am and it shouldnt matter yk like all that ur allowed to be annoying and just be urself and whatever#but it just of takes a lot out of u when u t talk about ur interests or ur day or smth ands like everyone just brushes it off or ignores u#and obviously im probably being dramatic like this is a busy time of the year!#and its not always about me and like other ppl have their reasons to do what they do u know#but it still feels bad :'))#also this isnt about like anyone specific its like a combination of little things that FEELS bad to ME not a thing someone else does#like i know ppl dont have to care about stuff yk i like that i KNOW they dont care about so like what do i expect#and i dont ever know what to say to stuff idk anything about either so its very understandable#but its took me years to like. talk about things i like without prompting so it feels like a big hit when i dont get any reaction back fsgsh#and thats not trying to blame anyone else either its not anybody elses fault im not good at something#i think my kind of insecurity is showing one of my friends had to reassure me that yes they do want to hear how im doing fsgsh#but im thankful for that it feels good to hear when ur feeling kind of unstable with ur relationships fshsh#also since i am feeling like. unstable on EVERY relationship i suspect its just seasonal depression or stress or something#still wont stop the brain from like trying to blame itself lmao#this is kind of stupid idk what im trying to even say here#my post#vent#maybe ill delete it later?? this feels stupid
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legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23
#so.#i fell into the fireplace lol#- thats the concise summary. but ive just been unwell health wise recently. i think ms is just harrowing to deal with#because you can go for so long symptom free and then one day you wake up and everything is wrong#your body feels wrong.#i remember being constantly angry at my body as though its a separate entity. especially when i was like 17/18.#because everytime i had a bad ms relapse i would literally breakdown in angry tears like- at my body. i was good to you. im meditating#im eating healthy. im exercising. ive been good to you.#but then suddenly you cant see or youre shaking uncontrollably or your limbs are numb#or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning#i dont mean like. exercise burning. i mean like struck a hot iron rod burning. it was obv nerve pain but that didnt stave off the panic#so i messaged my neurologist and hes like 'yeah its fine. wanna inject yourself?'#anyway. so recently i was helping my friend get his place houseparty ready and we were cleaning out the fire place#and my legs just gave out 😍#and i got so angry and humiliated i kind of just wanted to go to bed and not wake up tbh#which is what i usually do but like. i was angry. angry. scorpio angry as lidya would say. so i had a nap in his bed#and when i woke up i felt slightly better and for once i thought 'im not going to let my body ruin this day for me'#and i just dragged him to the markets with me. and i still had the tremors but we bought more greens than either of us needed#and we laughed and walked and he carried me to the car at the end of the trip and it was one of the best days ive had in a long while tbh#and it feels impossible but sometimes all u need is to brush the ash from ur knees and hide the scruffs with stockings &maybe youll be ok#💚#tw chronic illness#/ multiple sclerosis
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i wish financial abuse and forced dependence weren't like. only seen as bad when a spouse does it??? lol.
#“just be more independent” trust me bro im trying#i raised by a mother who is still forcing me to be dependent on her#like.. dependence is a learned trait? and im trying to teach myself but its kidna hard when she combats it at every turn while yelling at me#abt how useless and codependent i am#it seems like whenever i talk about my situation people brush me off and say i have it good just becuz. she stopped hitting me young.#as if years of neglect to my well being and forced dependence and financial control havent fucked me up a bit lol??#like. no. i dont think my situation is normal or ok or healthy or good or pleasant. actually i hate it.#i dont know how tobdo fucking anything and when i try to ask for help learning people get mad at me for not fucking knowing and being scared#to try. as if i havent been kicked down by my mom every time ive tried to do things on my own.#idk ill shut up abt this now its just rlly upsetting that ppl like. dismiss what im going thru????
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have i mentioned lately that i fucking hate the council
#say what you want 'oh kenric/ Oralie/terik were nice' I DONT GIVE A SHIT#THEY HAVE CAUSED SO MANY PROBLEMS AND NONE OF THEM ARE BEING HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR IT#THE MOST UNREALISTIC THING IN THE SERIES IS THAT SHANNON TRIES TO SELL TO US THAT WYLIE WOULD AGREE TO JOIN TEAM VAILANT#AND HELP THE COUNCIL AFTER ALL THE SHIT HES BEEN PUT THROUGH BC OF THEM#OR HONESTLY ANY OF THEM TBH#ALMOST ALL OF THEM HAVE BEEN THREATENED TO BE EXILED AT LEAST ONCE#THESE GROWN ASS ADULTS ARE STANDING IN THEIR HIGH CHAIRS THREATINGING TO EXILE /CHILDREN/#THEY LOOKED /11 YEAR OLD/ LIHN IN THE EYE AND EXILED HER#THEY CAUSED FITZ TO BE FUCKING IMPALED BY A GIANT BUG#AND THEN BRUSHED IT OFF LIKE 'OH OOPS OUR BAD GUYS THAT WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN'#THEY MADE DEX MAKE THE ABILITY BLOCKER AND THREATENED TO EXILE HIS WHOLE FAMILY IF HE DIDNT COMPLY#LIKE WHAT#DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON PRENTICE#ESPECIALLY SINCE WE KNOW THAT ORALIE KNEW THE TRUTH AND STILL DID NOTHING#'oh im one vote out of 12 what did you want me to do' YOU COULDVE STILL DONE MORE YOU PRACTICALLY HAD KENRIC WRAPPED AROUND YOUR FINGER#I STILL THINK SHE CULDVE DONE MORE#THE COUNCIL DOESNT FUCKING KNOW HOW TO LEAD#12 HEADS OVER THERE AND NONE OF THEM HAS THE 2 BRAINCELLS NECESSARY TO THINK#'hey maybe we should stop focusing on exiling fucking children and start dealing with the terrorist organisation going around'#THATS NOT EVEN HALF OF IT IM#SSDBSFDHBFDSDFHFDHHDFHBSDFH#IM SO MAD FUCK THEM#FUCK THE COUNCIL#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#kotlc council#councillor oralie#councillor bronte#councillor terik#councillor kenric
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